Our short lived blessing

I was going to be telling that we are pregnant and due Feb 12th, 2012 after my drs appt that was scheduled for yesterday July 11th... But Heavenly Father had another plan in mind. He called our little one home early. It started last tues (July 5th)with some spotting, and progessively got worse til I was in a lot of pain Saturday night and gave in to go to the ER. They took the Ultrasound and there was still a heartbeat but the sac was hanging really low in the uterus. I got back to my room where they did a pelvic exam and got blood and hooked me up to an IV. We waited to hear... and in the end I knew what was coming. A miscarriage. (I did have my little bit of hope that there just maybe a chance, whether it was 1 in a million... there was still a chance, but I had had my feeling since Thursday when I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night that we would probably lose this baby. It felt like the longest few days of my life waiting to find out if it was really going to happen or not)... So they sent us to another room to basically wait out the fetus passing, and while waiting I started to hemorrhage pretty good. I guess it was pretty gross cause I even made the Doctor say "ick". They gave me a shot of something in the bum (which Hurts REALLY bad btw) to try to slow down the blood and contract my uterus, so we wouldn't have to do a D&C... and it worked to get me home Sunday morning around 4am. But when I went to my dr.s appt on Monday the 11th, she did another ultrasound to check everything and I still had my plancenta and other pieces of tissue that didn't pass and would take weeks for my body to realize there is no baby before it might start to push it out. So instead of waiting it out and dealing with all the pain for that long, she sent me immediately to the hospital to have a D&E. A D&E is different cause it's an Evacuation of the uterus instead of just scraping the Cervix. So they rush rush rush, and I'm a little panicked cause I haven't had surgery before except for wisdom teeth and tubes in my ear when I was 2 ... so this was all new and pretty terrifying... they got me all prepped and put me under. Did their thing and sucked the rest of the tissue out, and then sent me home an hour or so later when I woke up. So now I'm on the mend. No more cramping or contracting which is so wonderful. I'm so grateful to now be on the other end of this very long long weekend. I can't even imagine if I had to do this without Cody being there every step of the way with me. He has been my Knight in Shinning Armor for sure. I am SOO grateful for him... being so strong through all of this. I can't thank you enough sweetheart! I love you SO much, words can NOT express my love and gratitude!!

I have to say emotionally at first I just wanted to be done and pretend it never happened. But after some people's kind words they had sent me, it made me realize I should definitely NOT just forget this happened. I need to face this and realize that we do have a perfect baby to look out for us. Waiting for us. I actually dreamed about Her the other night. It was such a lovely dream. Her name was Myla. Now whether this was my imagination just taking over or whatever you want to call it, I was so grateful I had that dream. To spend sometime with her, holding her as my little newborn baby. ...
    You will forever be with me baby. I'm so sorry I just wanted to forget about you. I love you SO VERY much!  I will never try to keep you out of my memory again. Until we meet again my little angel... I love you!
love mommy